DON’T WORRY, I BROUGHT THE DUCT TAPE
Welcome to KK’s Crash Course in Reality: where handouts come with humility, excuses don’t fly, and tough love is served Texas-sized with a side of sass. Forget sugarcoating—we’re trading in participation trophies for accountability and turning “empowerment” back into an action word.
Alright, y’all, lace up your red bottoms, grab your sense of humor, and hang on tight, because this isn’t my first rodeo—or my first time herding cats. If I’m running the show, we’re kicking ass, taking names, and sprinkling in just enough tough love to keep it spicy.
Elon Musk didn’t get to Mars by handing out free Teslas, and neither will we. So saddle up—here’s the game plan:
TWINKIE TOKENS
Put me in charge of food stamps, and here’s how it’s going down: No more Lone Star cards funding a diet of Doritos, Ding Dongs and Mountain Dew. You’re getting beans, rice, powdered milk, and that government cheese so indestructible it could double as body armor. Want sushi, organic kale, or a steak that didn’t come out of a can? That’s awesome—there’s this revolutionary concept called a job. It’s like DIY but with money at the end!
Medicaid? Oh, don’t worry, we’re fixing that “Band-Aid on a Bullet Hole” situation, too.
First things first: if you’re on the system, you’re signing up for Norplant or a tubal ligation. Think of it as a parting gift for playing the game. And yes, honey, you’re peeing in a cup. If you’ve got cash for Marlboros, Michelob, or your “good time fund” you’ve got cash for your own co-pay. It’s not mean; it’s math. Want to skip the testing and live your best life? No problem—again, get a job.
SECTION NOPE
We’re streamlining this rodeo. Welcome to your new digs: cozy, clean, and stripped down to the essentials. Think of it as HGTV’s Extreme Budget Edition. No plasma TVs, no gaming systems, and absolutely no rims on your car that are shinier than my good silver. We’ll pop in unannounced to make sure it’s tidy—call it Southern hospitality with accountability. Don’t like it? Well, sugar, there’s no place like… the one you pay for yourself.
LOAFERS LOTTO 12 STEP MEETING LINE STARTS HERE
Unemployed? No problem, Coach Kristi’s got a gig for you! You’ll be painting over graffiti, picking up litter, or helping little old ladies cross the street. And that bass-thumping stereo you’ve been blasting? Yeah, we’re selling it to pay for your new paintbrush. You’re welcome.
THE MOAN ZONE
“But Kristi, this is so demeaning!” Oh, sugar, bless your little participation-trophy heart. Taking handouts used to come with a side of humility—now it’s called “empowerment,” and y’all act like it’s a VIP membership to the Free Stuff Club. Not on my watch. Here’s your all-expenses-paid ticket to Life Skills 101: budgeting without DoorDash, meal planning that doesn’t include takeout, and a gentle reminder that the world doesn’t owe you Wagyu beef, Wi-Fi, or an influencer lifestyle.
THE DEMOCRACY FAST PASS
Here’s the kicker: while you’re riding the government gravy train, your voting rights are taking a little time-out. Why? Because letting you vote on how much more free stuff you get is like letting my dog vote on dinner—spoiler alert: it’s steak every night. Don’t worry, you’ll get your ballot back as soon as you step off the handout express.
MIC DROP: The Truth Doesn’t Hurt, It Just Stings a Little
This isn’t about being mean; it’s about giving folks the tools to stand tall and stop leaning on everyone else. If you want steak dinners, Netflix marathons, and a say in how the country’s run, I’ve got the perfect roadmap for you: Get. A. Job.
Let’s make America as sharp as Elon’s brain and as efficient as the 6666 Ranch during branding season, because “all hat and no cattle” is out of fashion , and there’s a new sheriff in town. These goats aren’t going to herd themselves, so saddle up, y’all—it’s time to get to work!
—Kristi Hoss Schiller