Who the Hell Needs a WhatNot Auction at 3AM on Christmas Day??
Paging Betty Ford …
Paging Betty Ford … we’ve got 548 addicted shoppers on their way! They’re hopped up on holiday spirit, spiked eggnog, and the dopamine hit of snagging an overpriced pair of sneakers before the sun comes up. Somebody grab the intervention banner, some Insomnia cookies, and a bucket of Starbucks espresso —this crowd is going to need a lot of therapy.
Whatnot, the true chaos goblin of online shopping, has somehow turned Christmas night into a 2:30 AM gladiator match where grown adults are throwing down over vintage Tupperware and limited-edition Pokémon cards. Forget peace on Earth; these folks are bidding like their rent depends on winning a signed Space Jam 2 DVD. Somewhere, an auctioneer is screaming, “Grail alert!” louder than Santa’s reindeer landing on your roof, and the 548 shoppers are treating it like a life-or-death situation.
Betty Ford, get ready! Therapy session topics include:
• “Step Away From the App: You Don’t Need Every Air Jordan Ever Made.”
• “Impulse Control: Why You Just Spent $500 on a Rare Vintage Star Wars sword”
• “The Truth About FOMO: The World Will Keep Spinning Without That Glow-in-the-Dark Beanie Baby.”
Let’s be honest, Whatnot is like eBay’s chaotic, slightly drunk younger sibling—the one who shows up late to family gatherings with an overcooked casserole and somehow walks out $1,000 richer because they sold Grandma’s vase in a bidding war. It’s the dark web of shopping but with neon lights, screaming auctioneers, and zero shame for maxing out your credit card at 3 AM.
Seriously, though, who wakes up on Christmas night in a cold sweat thinking, “I need an emergency pair of LeBron Sneakers RIGHT NOW.” Not tomorrow. Not after breakfast. Not even in 8 hours. They need to feel the flex before dawn. Like, are angels going to lose their wings if Retro 1s aren’t under the tree by sunrise?
Let’s be real, this isn’t a holiday emergency. Nobody’s sprinting through Bethlehem shouting, “The shepherds need drip!” And yet, here we are, with 548 people treating this like Black Friday: After Dark.
Honestly, I kind of respect it. Somewhere, a Whatnot auctioneer is working harder than Santa’s entire workshop on cocaine, hyping sneakers and vintage action figures like their sleigh depends on it. Meanwhile, the rest of us are face-planting into leftover pie, wondering why on Earth anyone thinks high-stakes shopping at 2:30 AM is the move. Calm down, y’all—the Air Jordans will still be there in daylight. Probably. Unless you’re betting on that glow-in-the-dark Beanie Baby, in which case … good luck, and God bless. Santa appreciates the break! GO TO SLEEP!