WOKE IS OFFICIALLY DOA
OK, maybe it’s clinging to life a few places like a bad hangover …but the tide is turning.
Across the anti-woke corners of the media, it’s now a sacred truth that Donald Trump’s victory is the official “woke apocalypse.” After years of conservatives whining, “Are we at peak woke yet?” like kids in the backseat begging, “Are we there yet?” the answer is finally: Yes. Now shut up, we’ve arrived.
Apparently, the progressive circus that’s been driving everyone nuts since 2014 (or, for the more dramatic among us, since Woodstock) has been clowned into submission. The death of identity politics holds the blessed promise that we can stop having existential debates over whether:
Women can have penises
Racism can be cured … more racism
Being 400 lbs and embracing it is “body positivity
Buying a sombrero on Amazon is colonialism
Frankly, the real thieves here aren’t the sombrero bandits—they’re the ideological grifters who’ve hijacked our time and sanity. I’ve wasted hours pondering if mass-sterilizing children and hacking off healthy body parts is a good idea. Spoiler: it’s not.
Cancel Culture? More Like Canceled Culture.
So, are we free at last? Will history look back at this era of collective lunacy and say, “Oh, cancel culture, what a quaint little phase, like fidget spinners and Gangnam Style”? Or will wokeism join Mao’s Cultural Revolution in the Hall of Societal Faceplants, just with fewer executions and more hashtags?
There are signs of life: pronouns are quietly ghosting from email signatures, the University of Michigan is ditching DEI jobs, and Walmart dropped DEI like it was an unsellable pumpkin spice candle in January. Even Silicon Valley billionaires—yes, those Silicon Valley billionaires—are whispering sweet nothings to Trump.
But Don’t Get Cocky Yet
Here’s the bad news: woke isn’t just an idea; it’s a fungus. It’s grown roots in every institution, from universities to museums, like some creepy scene out of The Last of Us. And much like athlete’s foot, just when you think it’s gone, it shows up again, this time on your other foot.
There are still armies of DEI bureaucrats, gender studies professors, and “equity consultants” whose entire careers rely on keeping this nonsense alive. These folks aren’t going down without a fight—or at least a strongly worded Slack message.
The Battle Plan: Make Woke Lame
Here’s the play: woke isn’t cool—it never was—but its adherents are conformists who think they’re edgy. They’re like that one guy who shows up to a party with a fedora, thinking he’s making a statement. The second woke starts feeling passé, they’ll drop it faster than yesterday’s TikTok trend.
The goal is to convince them that talking about “white privilege” is the intellectual equivalent of saying “YOLO” in 2024. That BLM lawn signs are the new “Live, Laugh, Love” plaques. That calling yourself “neurodiverse” just makes people want to roll their eyes and walk away.
Because woke culture doesn’t collapse under its own weight—it collapses the second its fans realize it’s embarrassing.
Trump: The Great Divider (of Woke and Cool)
Whatever you think about the guy, Trump’s win has given us a clear “before and after” moment. Like Kamala Harris might say: “We’ve turned the page, and we’re not going back.” And if we just keep saying it enough times—because that’s how this game works—maybe the woke crowd will finally get the memo.
And one day, when woke is as dead as avocado toast, we’ll look back on this era and laugh. But for now, let’s keep telling the woke folks it’s over. Because once they realize that being woke is as cool as wearing Crocs with socks, they’ll finally shut up—and we’ll finally get some peace.